The Haps

The True and Real and Not Fake Top Ten Reasons I Love Doug Birch

Number TEN: Only Doug can be my partner in crime driving across states lines in scarves. And yell at a lesbian gas attendant, telling her she is fat.

Number NINE: Doug has a real personal sense of style. You never see him walk into a Gap, or Abercrombie or any of those stores. He gets all his clothes made just for him by the designers at Burberry, or at least the crack addicts on Alaska Ave who sell fake Burberry, either way, it's HOT.

Number EIGHT: Doug Birch has this wacky sense of humor that only I get. That's the eighth reason, and hell, it's not fake. Run up in the sky so deep, he be cryin'. Like this one time, we were talking about Shelly on South Park and then he said, "Shuper Schweet." That was hilarious.

Number SEVEN: Doug really knows how to make his friends feel real good about themselves...like that one time he told me he loved my mom's '80s vintage mini-skirt and then told Chad behind my back that he hated that "F-ing" skirt. He made me feel good, even though he didn't truly care for it.

Number SIX: If ever I need a run to Alberto's on Fifth South in Salt Lake City, he is happy to go...and he'll usually be the first one in the car!

Number FIVE: Without Doug, I would have less personal time, because now, he RARELY calls me anyway. Such a sweetie. :)

Number FOUR: When I told Doug that I had ringworm, he was able to get me my medication in like 5 seconds. I mean, he really knew what my problem was before I even told him, or something. That's a real friend.

Number THREE: If I ever got into a bar fight he was always the first person to call Taquifa and She-nay-nay for some straight razors and vasoline. Like this one time some strange boy stuck a thumb up my butt on the dance floor. He was all over that bitch.

Number TWO: He saw Dead People. Like that one time he saw a little Latin boy in drag. Or like that one time he saw Haley Joel Osmont in that one movie by that M. Night Shamaylaian, or whatever his name is.

Number ONE: Doug has this saying, "We'll get you to your ho and back lickity-split. You'll be covered like a jimmy-hat." Doug really does cover me like a jimmy hat. I can be a real dick sometimes. Pun Intended. He just always knows how to be there and protect me from anything nasty in this world. He is such a true friend. Thanks buddy.

Now if any of you don't seem to see through the sarcasm and cleverness of this blog. You're just not a real friend. Because I know Doug will.

posted by Spence-a-lick @ 8:40 AM